What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 21.06.2025 17:27
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
When she asked me how she looked .
What is the naughtiest fantasy that you've lived out?
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
We all went to grammer schools
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
If you were a writer for HBO, how would you rewrite the final season of Game of Thrones?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I think the readers, may guess!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
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But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
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Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
One cannot live in the past .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Why doesn’t the UK change their flag?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
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You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She was in good health!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
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I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I could never make a relationship work though!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
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That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She loved him until the end.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
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We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Would this be the day?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I was very sick at this time too.
My life is so biszare .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Put me off passion for life!!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I said to her
This is how, and why children get BPD.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I was seconnd youngest,
We were not on the streets..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
(And it was in our own minds.)
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But, we were locked up after school.
I waited trembling.
Who then, do I blame.?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She wouldn,t have been !
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
All the time i was locked up.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Im still living with it.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I was scared of men, in general
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
My family never makes their pension either.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Especially a lifetime of it.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He resisted the act ,that day.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I couldn’t, believe it.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
It was going to be , some day.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She found it foreign!.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But it wasn’t much.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
As i do to all so called friends.?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
What did i know ?
So, i spoilt her more .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
So whats the point in blame.
She married twice! .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I have no regrets .
And i lived it daily.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
This is soul school!.
I don,t even have a pension.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Comes on , in middle age.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He knew the spot.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Ive learnt so much.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I write beautiful poetry .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I was 9 years of age.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Was to survive, this bastard.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I will be 64.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)